


Seasons of Love

by kaminikaku



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-19
Updated: 2012-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaminikaku/pseuds/kaminikaku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seemed like an easy enough question, but Kame was having trouble choosing an answer.  How could he choose his favorite season when all of them featured Jin?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seasons of Love

It was one of the Duet magazine questions that sparked it. A stupid one. One that required no real thought, no effort at all to answer. Just a number. They didn't even ask for an explanation. “Which is your favourite season? 1 = Autumn, 2 = Winter, 3 = Summer, 4 = Spring.”

Kame found himself tongue-tied, and unable to respond. His pen hovered over the answer sheet, as he searched for an answer.

His problem was choosing just one. There were four seasons in a year after all, and each of them had their strengths and weaknesses, but the main problem was that each season held memories and how was he meant to choose one over another?

Autumn was rain and green leaves turning into golds and browns and coppers, dusk falling sooner and keeping your shoulders covered so you didn't get cold. Sometimes it was Dream Boys, sometimes it was endless meetings and hoping that he would get the drama role he was up for. Sometimes it was watching others get the drama roles, sometimes it was planning for the next single, and there was always the calendar shoot as well.

The first time Jin had left to go to America, that had been in Autumn. 

Kame had come home to a halting voicemail message from Jin, and a brusque businesslike one from his manager outlining what was acceptable. Given his manager's message came in after Jin's, he assumed that Jin had called him as soon as he left the office.

“Kazuya, I'm going on hiatus. To LA. To study English.  Johnny-san wouldn't accept it any other way.

I need to do this. I am sorry. Please try and understand. I... I have to go. 

Johnny-san said there are no guarantees, but I have to go.

I can't write what I want if I can't understand it. 

You know how much I want to speak English properly. 

If I don't go, I won't be able to write what I want to.

Kazu, I am sorry. 

I know it's not a good time, and I know it will cause trouble, but if I lose the opportunity...

You have the drama coming up with Koki. You'll be busy.

I have the time to spare. No work, no jobs, I'm free.

I'm sorry. I'll....I'll see you later.”

 

He had been surprised, had been shocked, had lashed out at him, calling him selfish and stupid, demanding to know why then, why he wanted to go, what he was looking for that he couldn't get in Japan, what couldn't he find here? Jin never answered of course as Jin's phone was turned off and not accepting calls.

Then in the early hours of the morning, after Maru called and told him about the press conference which Kame was forbidden to attend, Kame had written the letter. Torn it up. Started again. Four times, until finally there were words scribbled on paper which he meant, which could be seen by others, which couldn't be misconstrued. Understanding, supporting each other's goals, knowing he would try his best, looking forward to meeting again. All the things a proper idol would say to a band mate, and all fit for public consumption. He may have been forbidden to attend, but he was not going to let Jin go without a word, like he didn't care or it didn't matter.

Junno told him that he was planning to leave from Osaka, to try and avoid the press as much as possible. Kame nodded, and kept his phone close. The mail finally came late at night, a simple “Sorry. Don't work too hard.”

Kame had hesitated, trying to find the right response. His first had been to send back “Don't go.” Then “Come back.” He had finally settled on “Stay safe.” No emoji, only text.

“I'll miss you.”

Kame had responded quickly with a “<3” but after that his phone had remained silent.

Silent for a day or so...the length of a long flight, and then it had been returned. And Kame hoped.

Winter was icy and crisp, snow and sleet and layers of wool. It was cold air brushing over his cheekbones at the New Year temple visit, it was steaming pots of nabe shared while cuddled together under the kotatsu, woollen hats pulled low to keep out the chill and paparazzi away and scarves traded as needed. It was wandering through Tokyo to see the Christmas lights decorating the streets, heading home to see family and friends and paying attention to the roads when you drove.

For the last few years winter had been a scramble of singles, rehearsals for PVs, rehearsals for Countdowns and Music Station Super Lives, all squeezed in around shooting for dramas. The first winter after Jin came back, they had been carefully finding a way forward, finding a way that the sharp edges of their words and the awkward pauses and actions could fit back together. It had not been easy and they were still working on it, but somehow it was working. Trying to separate what they wanted as Jin and Kazuya from what was required as Akanishi and Kamenashi, finding the limits and paths, waiting for the chill to thaw to warmth. And it did, but just like cold days turn to warm ones and then winter returns, there were times when their understanding faltered, or a chill crept in between them. When Jin was cast in Yukan Club with Junno and Yokoyama, he had been grateful to have their support and was determined to make it work. Kame had been in training for One Pound Gospel, already spending days on end in gyms working on technique and terminology, but still found time to visit the Yukan Club set. 

He knocked and opened the door, to be greeted by the sight of a poker game in progress. Junno had looked up and grinned at him, greeting him with a variant of his usual greeting, “Iriguchi, Deguchi, Kamenashi desu!” Gently slapping him over the back of the head with one of his boxing gloves, Kame had settled heavily into an empty chair. Jin had silently poured a glass of tea for him, as Junno discarded three cards. Jin smirked at him and said, “Call,” triumphantly laying down three fours. Junno grinned at him and wordlessly showed his hand of four kings. Kame began to laugh as Jin swore.

“Akakame! Finally! When they told me you were here, I didn't believe it!” Yokoyama barrelled through the door, and ran a teasing hand through Kame's hair. “How are you Kame-chan? It's been ages. Taguchi, they want you on set. Now, how are things with you? I am so glad to see that you and Jin are back to normal. Not seeing you together was weird. Like Baru not talking to Yasu. Bizarre. When I see one of you, I expect to see the other one not far away.”

When he could squeeze a word in edgewise, Kame said, “Nice to see you too, Yoko.” 

Yoko's grin broadened. “How does it feel to have KAT-TUN back together, huh? Guess your song came true, huh? Kizuna and all that. You guys are lucky. Without Uchi it doesn't feel the same, doesn't sound the same but we know he's not coming back. Glad the old man had a plan for you guys. After all, the way you two sound together, it's obvious that you balance each other out vocally...” 

Yokoyama continued to squeal over them, saying how happy he was to see akakame reunited, teasing and needling them with memories from their past. Jin had brushed it off as Yoko being Yoko, but Kame had dwelled upon it, let uncertainty and his fear of failure grow, so much so that he withdrew from Jin again. He continued to speak to him, to converse and joke, even the occasional dinner but Kame put a wall in place, had kept his distance to show he was fine just as he was, and Jin had not been sure how to push through it without endangering what they had regained.

If it hadn't been for the camera crew shooting the making of documentary for their LIPS single, things may have really fallen apart. The crew had done their usual job, following them around backstage, looking to catch the fun moments, the jokes, the set malfunctions, dance screw ups or the usual banter. The following week their manager had handed Kame the finished making of, and Kame had added it to his list of things to watch. What he saw on that footage, the way Jin hung back as he sang with Maru and Koki, the way Jin hovered as he messed around with Koki, and most tellingly, the way he had ignored Jin's attempts at conversation as he took photos, had sent him across town in the middle of the night, landing on Jin's doorstep at 3 am, when he had a 7 am call that morning. 

A bleary eyed Jin opened the door. “Kame? What are you doing here? Come in, it's freezing!”

Kame stumbled inside, clumsily pulling his boots off as Jin disappeared into his kitchen to switch the kettle on. From the chill in the air, it seemed like Jin had been in bed for a few hours; Kame sat down on the couch and grabbed a blanket. When Jin reappeared with two steaming mugs, Kame gestured for him to sit down, and then settled a second blanket around him.

Jin looked at him with concern. “Is everything ok? Why are you here?”

Kame shook his head, smoothed the blanket over his legs, and sipped his hot tea, mentally rehearsing things he could say to Jin, how he could explain what he was feeling, how he was scared of things changing, how he had grown up and taken responsibility for things, and how sorry he was for pushing Jin away. The words would not come, explanations and justifications and apologies and promises, they were all too jumbled together and he couldn't find a place to start.

“Kame?” Jin gripped Kame's chin and turned his face towards him. “Please tell me what's going on.”

“I'm sorry.” Kame struggled for something else to say, as Jin looked warily at him. “I'm sorry for pushing you away.” He set his mug down besides Jin's on the coffee table, then cupped Jin's face with his palms. “I'm sorry.” He leaned in and pressed a shaky kiss to Jin's mouth. 

Jin didn't answer the kiss with one of his own, but he didn't move away either. He simply stayed still as Kame pressed a second and then a third against his lips. 

“I didn't mean to be like that.” Kame's arms circled around Jin's neck, as he kissed Jin again, deeper and longer than before. “I'm sorry.”

“What brought this on?” Jin finally asked.

“I watched the making of for the LIPS single, and I realised that I wasn't … that I was ... that you spoke to me and I ignored you completely. I didn't even realise that I had done it. I'm sorry.”

Jin watched him calmly as Kame tried to explain. “Why were you acting like that?” he asked.

“I don't know. I just … I just know that I … I'm sorry.” Kame pressed his face against Jin's neck. “I do want to be with you.”

Jin stroked a hand over Kame's hair. “I was starting to wonder if you did. I love you Kazu.”

“Jin.” Kame tightened his grip on his lover, “I love you.”

Jin pulled Kame down against his chest, and settled them both comfortably on the couch. “We'll talk more about this tomorrow. What time is your call?”

“Seven.” Jin mock groaned and Kame shifted against him. “I won't wake you, you sleep in your bed, and I'll stay here.”

“Not going to happen.” Jin tugged a blanket over both of them. “We're staying here for now, and tomorrow after work we'll sort this out. Together.”

A tired Kame pressed another kiss against Jin's throat in agreement.

Summer was heat and cold soba noodles, trips to the beach, fireworks and festivals and endless bottles of iced tea. It was travelling in airconditioned buses to unairconditioned concert venues, struggling into layers of costumes that would be gradually removed until all that was left was a single layer sticky with sweat. If you were really lucky it was cotton or denim instead of fur, polyester and sequins. KAT-TUN concerts were now summer concerts, where fans used uchiwas as actual fans and wrapped the muffler towels around their necks to catch the sweat drops. When Johnny had announced they were holding seven record breaking concerts in a row at Tokyo Dome, his first thought was that they would die of heat exhaustion. The May dates had saved them from that, but it had still been hot on stage. The tour afterwards, playing the smaller concert venues from Okinawa to Hokkaido, had taken them all the way through summer into Autumn. Their last concert tour as six. 

Kame gripped the pen harder. 

This summer had taken them to Korea and Taiwan as well as all over Japan, all under the unrelenting haze of summer heat. As five. Only five. As it would be from now on. Five.

“Akanishi Jin will graduate from KAT-TUN and pursue a solo career.... It is not fair to allow him to come back if he fails...The group will carry on as 5 members...The name of the group won't change..Kamenashi will take on the A, he is already KA... It won't be that difficult, he's done this before. Is he even in the country at the moment?”

The day before the announcement to the world, they had finally told the other group members.

Junno and Maru had held Koki back as he yelled in frustration and anger before dragging him out of the room, Ueda had simply wished Jin the best of luck in the future and told him to work hard. The remaining staff had finally all left the room leaving Kame and Jin alone.

“That went as well as could be expected.” Kame was stoic, blank, without a trace of emotion. Jin walked around the table and pulled Kame up and out of his chair, his arms clutching him close to his chest. Kame dragged a deep breath into his lungs, and allowed his own arms to close around Jin, for three minutes. No more. For three minutes Kame allowed himself to stand there, allowed Jin to hold him at work, in honour of the occasion. When Kame walked out the door, it was going to be over. KAT-TUN would go on as five, he would take on the K and the A, and Jin would be solo. He never would have thought this was possible, but here they were. Separate.

Jin pulled back slightly, and cupped Kame's cheek. “I swear to you Kazu, we will make this work. For all of us.”

“Do we have a choice?”

Jin held him tighter, then abruptly let him go. “Yes. I can walk away. If that's what you want. If it makes it easier.”

Kame said nothing while Jin looked at him, and the lost look that crept into Jin's eyes was unbearable, but he held his gaze regardless. 

“If I want it?” Kame spat the words at him. “So I lose my lover as well as my bandmate? That should make it easier for me?”

“I just meant that … if you wanted space..”

“No.” Kame interrupted. “No. It's not easier. You said that you loved me. You said that no matter what happened with this tour, it would not change us. You said that you had to go, that you wanted to see if you could do it. I supported you. You said you would come back.”

“Kazu,” Jin began.

“Shut up and listen to me Jin! You said you would come back.”

Jin nodded.

“You aren't coming back to KAT-TUN. Never again.”

Jin nodded again.

“I am not KAT-TUN.” Kame took a deep breath. “Will you come back to me?”

Jin nodded. “If you want me to.”

Kame was silent, as his harsh gaze pierced deep into Jin's soul. “That's not what I asked. Do you want to come back to me? Do you want me to be here waiting for you?”

Jin nodded, three short sharp jerks of his head. “Yes. I want that. I think it's the only way I will be able to leave.”

Kame stepped closer, and placed his hand against Jin's jaw, stroking his fingers over his cheek. “As long as you want to come back to me, I will be here.”

Jin pulled him close. “I love you. Please don't ever doubt that.” Jin whispered in Kame's ear.

“Don't ever give me a reason.” Kame pressed a kiss against Jin's throat.

“I wish I could be at the press con. I wish I could explain it in person.”

“That would never happen.” Kame forced a smile onto his lips. “This is Johnny's show now, he's calling the shots.”

“The fans won't understand why it has happened this way.”

“They will eventually.”

Jin hummed, and moved one hand to cradle Kame's head gently. “He … told me that it would be better if I was not in Japan this weekend. He didn't specifically say I needed to leave, but he suggested that I should go abroad.”

Kame's arms tightened. “Where are you going to go?”

“Korea probably. Ryo had a group organised to go, and he's seeing if he can get me a ticket as well.”

It was Kame's turn to nod, biting back his own wish that Jin would be there for him to come home to after the concert, after the announcement, after everything had changed. He supposed it was too much to hope for.

Kame bit his lip, then raised his head to look Jin squarely in the eye. “He's giving me your A.”

Jin pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “There is no one else I would trust it with. I am glad.” Jin forced a smile, knowing that Kame needed as much as he could give. “Besides you have two K's and two A's already, you know how to handle those letters.”

“I don't want to take it from you.”

“Consider it a gift. As long as the A is there, I am part of KAT-TUN. If this is a way I can stay with you and be there with you, take it Kazu. Make me proud.”

Kame answered with a deep kiss, one that was only broken by a knock on the door to remind them that the world was waiting outside.

Spring was cherry blossoms and warm breezes, sunshine and changes as contracts ended and new ones began. It was sitting outside on a blanket in a park watching cherry blossoms float on the breeze, it was spring training for baseball and students taking entrance exams and attending graduation ceremonies. Snow melting away and bare trees growing leaves into a jacket of its own while your own layers of clothing fall away until you only need a shirt. It's warmth and longer days of sunshine and it was changes. New beginnings, fresh starts and change..all wrapped up in spring.

KAT-TUN debuted in the spring..after all those years together and all that time waiting and hoping and wishing, Real Face came out in March and everything changed. Well not everything, but enough. It was like the CD debut gave us permission to be seen as a real group, a permanent group. As juniors, you were always hoping to be put in a group, as that was the first step, but then began the rollercoaster of...is this a real group, why was it formed, how long has everyone else been here, surely they wouldn't put him in this group unless they wanted to make something of it, it only needs to last another few months until Dream Boy or Playzone or whatever show is over, surely they won't keep us all together, surely....

KAT-TUN was put together for a reason, Koichi saw something in them all as individuals and then he put them together in a group. It took a long time for them to work well together, but they did. They grew up together as a group and as individuals and then they started getting work like a debuted group. There were concerts, appearances on Music Station, product CMs and there were even “KAT-TUN” songs to sing on Shounen Club. Yet, it was only when they debuted together that Kame really felt that they would make it as a group, that they would be allowed to continue as a group no matter what.

Kame's phone began to ring, and he searched the depths of his bag for it, the lyrics of the song set as his ringtone making him smile as it rang:

“ But every time you're near   
You stir my heart again  
 Now I'm losing my sense of seasons  
 I know it's love   
It’s overflowing   
It’s overflowing”

“Hey. How did it go?”

“160,000 copies, give or take a few.”

“Congratulations.”

“The cards at the venues would have helped. It will probably drop tomorrow.”

“It always drops on the second day. Remember Don't U Ever Stop?”

“Yeah, that's true.”

“It's a good number. The fans, they went with you Jin. I am proud of you.”

“Kame, what if...what if it outsells KAT-TUN?”

“Then it does. It's not like we are ever again going to sell more than Real Face. It's not like you sold 750,000 copies either. It's a good solid number. It's your solo debut.”

“It is.”

“And they are both your songs. Yours Jin.”

“They are mine. Sometimes I can't believe that they are letting me make my own music.”

“If you can call some of that noise music.”

“Kame!”

“I know, I know, it has an interesting melodic structure and the appropriation of music from different genres is what really attracts you to it.”

“Do I really need to tell you to fu..”

“No doubt that is the other reason why you like it, the ability to swear in a foreign langauge.”

“I can't believe you are mocking me. I'm number one on the Oricon charts.”

“Yes, you are apparently. You told me so after all.”

Jin was silent, and Kame grew slightly anxious. “You know I am kidding, right?”

“Jin?”

“Jin?”

“Jin?”

“Are you done mocking me now?”

“Yes, if you are talking to me again. You know I don't mean it.”

“Good, because I had something I wanted to tell you. You know how I wrote Eternal for that wedding?”

“Yes?”

“It works for anniversaries too.”

“I suppose it does.”

“It does. I've said it does in all the magazine interviews.”

“Ok, if you say it does. Where are you going with this?”

“March is our anniversary.”

Kame paused, mentally running through the list of what March can be an anniversary for in their relationship, first kiss no, first night together no, first I love you no, moving in together no....

“Jin, sweetheart, I'm sorry I don't remember what we did in March for...”

“Our public anniversary. KAT-TUN debuted, and now I have debuted as a solo artist. So, March is our debut anniversary. Without realising it, or maybe he did, you sometimes can't tell with him ... Johnny has also made March our anniversary again. Eternal will always be a March release just like Real Face was.”

Kame grips the phone, and nods even though Jin can't see him. It makes sense … and somehow that makes it easier. Almost like it's a part of the cycle of seasons – March is for the debut of new things. Why not, if spring is the season for change and growth, it's appropriate. Even if it still hurts to know that Jin isn't standing there beside them, they can at least be proud of him for achieving what he dreamed. 

He couldn't resist saying, “You know we already have a public anniversary from when we both joined the Jimusho, right? We share it with Nakamaru and Massu.”

“Kame! I am trying to be romantic here.”

“Sorry. It is a nice thought. I like the idea that we share it. Even if my own solo debut happened in November.”

“Kame!”

Kame laughed. “Just kidding. It's as sweet as you are.”

In the silence that followed, Kame imagined Jin was trying to think of a way to protest and was failing, as deep down, he liked being sweet at times. 

“When are you coming home?” Jin finally asked.

“Soon. I just have to wait for them to finalise my schedule this weekend, and right now I am finishing off a set of questions for Duet.”

“Ok. Some of the guys want to go clubbing tonight, are you in?”

Kame checked his watch. “Yes, if we make it home for bed by three am, as I have an eleven am call, and they complained about my eye bags this morning.”

Jin snickered. “If only they knew how that set was formed...I bet you told them you were up all night revising baseball statistics.”

“How did you know?” Kame waited for Jin to stop laughing, then said, “See you soon then.”

“Ciao.”

Kame sighed as he put his phone, down and picked up the pencil once more. He really should just pick a number.... his phone buzzed at him. A text had come through from Jin... a single “<3”. Kame sent one back, and then realised what number he was going to put down.

5.

The Fifth Season.

And if the Duet staff thought it was a typo, they could fix it.   
**  
Fortunately for Kame, the Duet staff member who was proofing the final magazine pages realised it was not a typo and left it as it was. Earlier in the same magazine, Jin had answered the same question with an easy “5! The Fifth Season is the best, just like my new song.” So Kame's answer went out for the entire world to see..and yes, some of them did notice.

**Author's Note:**

> The lyric excerpt for The Fifth Season came from: http://breakingblack.livejournal.com/4939.html This was originally submitted for Kizuna_exchange 2011.


End file.
